I was always good at this game. I was lucky to be small enough to fit in rather unlikely places (like Ski baggage, “full” trunks, and top shelves of side closets) and was often the one that had to give away my location. If you played the game as frequently as I did, you learned where certain people looked first, and how to switch rooms and hiding spots without people noticing. And you also learned that if you wanted to be found, sometimes you had to choose obvious spots like behind a squeaky door or under the guest bed.
I hated being the seeker. Oh, how I hated that role. I think this is why I tried so hard to have a great hiding spot. But I enjoyed hiding. For a few minutes, everything is silent. There’s a slight rush in the air, and you can hear your every breath. Every movement feels exaggerated and seems to be accompanied by a foley artist.
I still like to hide.
But it’s not the same type of hiding, not really. Oh, I’m still really good at it and I know all the best hiding spots and how to throw people off my trail. But I’m not in a cupboard or behind a curtain. It’s a different kind of hiding.
You see, there’s never really a seeker. Occasionally people may notice that I’m hiding. They catch me while I’m searching for my secret place. But I’m a good hider. And they’ll never know what they’ve stumbled upon.
I don’t really know why I hide. I found this quote. (yeah, I told you I like quotes) I feel like it pretty much sums things up better than I could. (I don’t think I’ve very eloquent. As you can tell, I tend to ramble a lot) :
“Do you ever just get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? you don’t want to smile, and you don’t want to fake being happy. but at the same time, you don’t know exactly what is wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. people have stopped being comforting… and being alone never was. At least when you’re alone no one constantly asks you what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who wont take ‘i don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the way you do just BECAUSE. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.”
I feel like that sometimes. And I feel that way just because. And so I hide.
But I like my life. And I have awesome friends, so I usually snap out of this rather quickly. Everyone can relate to this, or at least I hope so. Some days you just aren’t in the mood to deal with anyone, you aren’t happy, but you aren’t necessarily mad, you’re just a little blah. And you’re not sure why. But you hide.
You go deeper and deeper into yourself and just sit with that feeling for a while. (let’s not call it sulking, sulking has a negative connotation, but we all know that’s basically what it is…. that and whining.)
I keep typing words into this post. I get about three lines down and then delete them. I just hold down the delete button instead of just highlighting it and hitting delete to make it more dramatic and so that it takes longer. (I told you this was one of the problems with blogs. in my journal, I would have wasted about half a page marking things out by now. Actually, no. That’s a lie. I would have left it because only I would have read it. And I’m not scared of facing my own thoughts. I’m scared of you all facing my thoughts)
I’m not sure if you will get the point that this makes in my head. (I tend to draw conclusions that no one else sees) Especially since you’ll never know what was once written and then deleted from the preceding lines. But just know this:
Sometimes, I hide.
And no one seeks.
But, that’s okay.