Trust. It’s a rather curious thing. I believe with all my heart that it’s something that must be earned. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Every emotion I have is hardwired to my tear ducts, and it’s usually blatantly obvious what I’m feeling. However, I still manage to hide a lot.(mainly through my charming wit and sarcasm). I have walls set up so thick, that sometimes I think I keep myself from knowing what I’m really feeling. I recently heard someone talk about how we all enter this world as open, trusting people. Something happens to us, usually life, that makes us put up those walls. And as one of my favorite quotes says: (you’ll learn I really like quotes) “At times you build walls around yourself not to keep others out, but just to test who cares enough to tear them down.”
I’d like to believe that I’m a trustworthy person. I’ve never done anything to disvalue my creditability, and can almost always be expected to keep secrets. I’m a great listener, I have that ability to nod and smile while “mm-hmm”-ing “I see”-ing at the perfect time. Frankly, I enjoy being trusted not only in a job setting, but on a personal level by my friends. There are many people in my life who I can trust…. with small things. With simple secrets, personal belongings, favors, stuff like that. And there are certain people, I can count them on my 2 hands, who I feel like I could absolutely trust with everything I have. If only I could.
If only I could allow myself to lower that wall enough to let them in. I think about some of the people I grew up with, the people I spent 18 years of my life with. Most of them don’t know me at all. And in a town where the graduating class was 172 and I traveled with the same kids from preschool through 12th grade (where our teachers taught our siblings and parents), that’s saying something. Some of my friends from college, all of whom I’ve known less than a year, know me better than my high school friends.
Trust must be earned. But then I have to be willing to trust. I HAVE friends who have earned my trust. It sounds crazy, I’m completely aware of this, but it scares me to death to completely be myself. Don’t get me wrong, I AM myself. And to sound even more like an emotional girl, since joining a certain sorority and gaining a certain group of friends, I’ve been truer to myself than I ever have been. But while it allows you to be free, being yourself also makes you vulnerable. Because if you show all your cards too early, you’re screwed. Someone can hurt you…. someone can hurt me. And maybe it’s because if I was hurt, and if I needed someone to confide in, I wouldn’t trust anyone enough to talk… to REALLY talk.
So I’m stuck in this psychotic vicious circle. And while I sit here, thinking of those who have been able to confide in me, I’m trying to think of those who I would actually turn to. Those ten or so people?
Yeah, I’d trust them with some effort. But the thing that makes me sad, really actually sad, is that at this moment I can only come up with 2…… maybe 3 people who, right now and without hesitation, I would trust with something that was really bothering me or that I needed to confess. And that kinda scares me.